In Loving Memory

I took a break.

I desperately needed a break. Mostly to gather my thoughts on what just happened. In a matter of three months, I lost three dear friends and also officiated the union of a very close, childhood friend whom I consider a sister.

The emotional rollercoaster of grieving, anger and confusion tied also with pure joy and excitement was too much for me, I’ll admit it. So I took a break. A beat.

I reflected on how someone can have an impact in their world, who may only have 30-ish years to do so. The stark reality is that while some lives are ending in their 30’s, others are just beginning.

Amy and Andrea after a band competition

I reflected on the lost lives and who they were to me, their communities, and their inner-most circles. The secrets they took to the grave, the love and laughter they gave, and the “highlight reel” of their lives.

Amy and Derek with friends in the 60's Band

And then I thought about my life. What would my friends say, my community, my family, my coworkers, if I no longer existed? Have I made an impact? Do I need to make an impact? What exactly do I want to be remembered for accomplishing? Do I just want to focus on living my life to the fullest and HOPE to bring joy to others, or do I focus outwards on others and hope that brings joy to MYSELF? Is “joy” what I’m seeking, or is it success or experiences?

You know…..the whole “meaning of life” conversation…….

I’m happy to report that I figured it out. But we will get to that momentarily.

Because after I felt like I had a break, the world took a break.

I’m not going to write about the pandemic because let’s be honest, we all lived it and experienced it together. I have nothing to say of value or difference than what you already lived or know. I will, however, stress that 2020 was the best thing that ever happened to me.

You read that correctly.

Is that selfish? Yes. Is it tone-deaf to the hundreds of thousands of people who lost their lives? Yes it is. I want to stress that I recognize the pain and suffering and loss (both emotional and physical) that the entire world experienced in 2020, but this “time out” had a silver lining for not just me. We needed this time out. We needed a break to “go to our rooms and think about what we’d done.”

We were wasting our lives.

We crammed as much as we could into 24 hours and then tried to do more. We tried to be social media influencers, mom-of-the-year, employee of the month, caring friend, dedicated spouse, home-maker, party-planner, volunteer worker, PTO member, financial guru, chef, social issues advocate, environmentalist, politically savvy, the list goes on and on.

When given a time-out, we just had to be ourselves. We went into survival mode with the most basic of needs guiding our day-to-day activities. Is there food to eat? Is there money to pay for the mortgage? Are we healthy? Is there toilet paper?

We were given the opportunity to cut the fat from our lives. Remove the time wasters and re-evaluate what we truly wanted and needed in our lives and purged the rest. With that purge, came clarity. Once you strip away the layers of clothing, you are left with the naked truth staring in front of you. I was wasting my life.

I wasted time on people who I didn’t really enjoy being around.

I wasted resources on items that I didn’t really want or need.

I wasted energy on issues that wouldn’t matter in a month, let alone 5 years from now.

I wasted talent on tasks that would never value my worth.

2020 gave me the gift of boundaries … boundaries that I desperately needed in order to live my best life. The trick now is to maintain those boundaries as we all come out of our collective time-out corners and re-enter a new world. This new world is one in which many are now jobless, lost loved ones, and have fully stocked pantries of canned goods and toilet paper.

I spend 30 minutes of uninterrupted time (no phone) with my child every day (ok, that’s the goal at least.) I do the same with my husband. Then, I do it for myself.

It’s 1.5 hours a day. That’s it.

I didn’t give that to them, or myself, in 2019. What a small, but significant change it has made.

I no longer cram my weekends with social engagements. I no longer spend my energy determining how to “rise up” the ranks. Instead, I focus on being the best me for that day, that task, that job, that moment, those thirty minutes. I’m more in tune with my feelings on who brings me joy and who doesn’t. I recognize which conversations leave me feeling energized and loved, and which ones leave me feeling drained and agitated.

The old me is dead. She died quickly and mostly painlessly. May she rest in peace and in loving memory of who I never want to be again.

To Mike, Andrea, and Derek ... thank you for the love you showed me, the friendship you gave me, but mostly the laughter that you brought me. I grieve more than I care to admit for the holes you left that can never be filled.

Amy and Mike dancing at work

To 2020 – Rest in peace, and thank you for the gift of clarity.

To 2021 – I promise to live my life with meaning. I will move forward knowing that the meaning of life is quite simple. Don’t overthink it. Don’t over-complicate it.

Just live.

Just love.

Just be.

For however long you have, it is enough time to live, love and be in someone’s loving memory.